I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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