i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
