Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
