I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize