overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
