Porn is love you can see.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Randomize
