Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
