I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize