Three words: puerto rican gang bang
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
