Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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