he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
