the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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