Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
