party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
