Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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