be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
