Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
