don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
