My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
