can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
