i permit you to call me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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