no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
