i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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