Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
