New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize