I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
