ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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