More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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