mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
