Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
