i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
