In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
