She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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