Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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