gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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