nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
