I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
