If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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