Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
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