in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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