hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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