Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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