So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
