im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
