Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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