kristin has been a bad kristin
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize