he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
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