Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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