bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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