Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
