im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My life is pants optional.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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