I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
