only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
