I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I won't apologize to a one balled man
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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