my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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