I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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