so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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