I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
